It's ironic how many times my sister can tell me something over and over again, yet it seems to fall on deaf ears.
"It's not all about you, Vickie."
"So there I was, just offended and stuff..."
"It's not all about you, Vickie."
"But I was totally disgusted and couldn't believe..."
"It's not all about you, Vickie."
Okay, so I have learned that it's not all about me, but there are other things that people tell me that I just don't seem to hear the first 500 hundred times they tell me.
I am like that with the Lord as well.
"Don't get that puppy, Vickie."
"Awwww! Look at the soft fur and cute lil' face!"
"Don't get that puppy, Vickie."
"Mom, Dad, meet my new puppy."
"..."
Those of my closest friends know that story...
And even though I insist on going my own way, the Lord still does His thing and proves His faithfulness to me each time I mess up regardless of what I do. He is ever faithful. He cares for me. So much so that He warns me of things, which I stupidly do not take heed to and when I run into heartache, I see His love-filled warnings and cringe at yet another wrong turn made by yours truly.
Sometimes I wonder when I cling to the Lord at times, if I do it just to get away from my present trials and troubles? At times I just don't want to deal with an issue or possibly get hurt by it, so it seems to make sense to run to the Lord with that, laying it down at the cross so I don't have to handle the situation...
Oh, but how hard it is to do that and follow through with it!
Because sometimes what's in front of me seems to be too good to be true, and then I give in to thinking that I'll be hurt and disappointed if it doesn't turn out like I want it to turn out.
So I struggle with my feeble attempts to cling on to it just because it seems so good.
But I also struggle to get away from it just in case it will backfire.
How horrible is that? How normal is that? How human is that?
Fear is not of the Lord, I know, but it is easier to cower in fear of disappointment than to bravely walk forward believing that my God will protect me.
I'd like to say that I don't doubt God's ability to protect me, but that wouldn't be entirely true. That is a statement that I want to say with my whole being... not just my mouth... because if I truly did NOT doubt it, wouldn't I be walking forward rather than cowering in the corner attempting to protect myself?
"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
The power in His Word is awesome, reassuring and life-giving. I don't always grasp everything to be had in Scripture, but I love it when He reveals bits of it to me like this particular Scripture that has so much to it that it takes a while to "chew" through it all bringing satisfaction and strength with every "bite."
He makes known to me the path of life. Not the entire path, but He lets me know what I need to know at this given moment. And that is what I need to recognize.
The fear of future disappointment often makes me miss out on so many current opportunities... If only I would rest and rely on the Lord to take care of the future and just be content with my present, it seems that this whole fear thing would be solved.
Help me Lord because things are so much easier said than done.
Music... amazing thing that it is. I love it. I love making it... when no one is listening.
Lyrics... amazing stories they tell, feelings they evoke, truths you learn.
I've heard the song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North all over the place before... but tonight, it's struck a chord.
The Lord knew that I needed to hear those words. To wake me up and for Him to speak so loud through that group to my heart as if they made that song just for me.
You know those times when you hear something and the truth of it hits you so hard that it almost feels like the wind is knocked out of your lungs and your stomach is wrought with knots in conviction?
Why are you crying Let me lift up your face Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough To where will you go child Tell me where will you run To where will you run
And I'll be by your side Wherever you fall In the dead of night Whenever you call And please don't fight These hands that are holding you My hands are holding you
The lyrics pinned me to the wall...
Unfurling my heart's disposition right before my eyes.
I know my God... not fully... but I know who He is to me at this point in my life. He is my ultimate Comforter, my unwavering Lover, my encouraging Supporter, my merciful King, my funny Joy, my gentle Corrector, my sweet Jesus... my Beloved.
Why do I take my eyes off of Him?
I don't just know about those traits... I know those traits because I've experienced them.
AND YET, I am still searching as if He is not enough...
The amazing discomfort and exhilaration that courses through me when I know He is lifting my face is hard to explain. I can definitely understand the urge to turn away from Him. The discomfort is mostly because my Perfect is choosing to look me in the eye and still proclaim His Love for me despite my downfalls, imperfections, unfaithfulness and disobedience. The exhilaration... well, His Presence is fulfilling.
And it's that... His Fulfilling Presence... that draws me to Him. Broken shambles that I am at times are secure in His Hands that continually hold me.
It's in those moments when nothing matters anymore in His Embrace... my hopes, my daydreams, my aspirations... they fall away when I dive into His Presence.
I love these moments with Him as awkward and fulfilling as they are to me.
I don't run to Him nearly enough, but I know that He is working in me just the same and that where I am at does not worry Him. He knows how I'll grow in Him and when I will... and so, for now, I am not going to worry if I am close enough to Him every single day.
I'm going to relax and fall into His Embrace right here, right now.
Like most Sunday mornings, I attended church today late as usual. Arriving just in time to partake in communion as I swiftly found a seat. I missed the majority of my favorite part of church -praise & worship- but I sat down and tried to get ready to take in the message that I knew Pastor had prepared.
I was not expecting anything spectacular or mind-blowing. It would have been cool if something like that had happened, but it did not.
I've been noticing more and more things about myself since being out here. Something I noticed was when I was able to get lost in worship before the message, I was much more open to it, and my brain would soak so much more in. And previous to today, I believed that if I could not worship with abandon prior to a sermon, I would not get much benefit from it. I am not sure if I believed that completely, but I think that is what was running through the back of my mind subconsciously.
But today, I experienced something different. Even though I had not prepared myself for church with worship, my spirit was still stirred. I am used to being completely immersed in His Presence with everything I seem to have -mostly my brain and my heart. I would like to add "my spirit" to that list, but realizing when my spirit is stirred alone is a new occurrence to me, so I am not sure if I really have known when my spirit has been truly stirred apart from when my heart and my brain have been stirred as well. I think it has been stirred before, I just did not realize it or have an awareness of it before. Does that make sense?
So I sat there today, listening to Pastor whilst trying to pay attention. Everything he explained today kept my attention, but there was no huge revelation that suddenly became clear in my boggled mind that would captivate my attention for the next week. I listened and took it in the best I could, but it was hard for me today. My spirit, however, was more tuned in to what he was saying than my brain was apparently.
Pastor began to explain how Jesus walked out Micah 6:8.
He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
I was challenged more deeply than I expected. I thought I acted justly, was merciful and walked humbly with my God.
But thinking/believing that you are something and being something are completely different!
I am coming to a point in my life where I am realizing that I am not who I say I am...
I am who I am.
How I act, how I live, how I react, how I am - that is who I really am.
For so long, I would say that I love people, but did I truly show it? True love should be seen. No one should have to explain what they are doing. Just because I say that I love my mom & dad, does that mean that I really do?
Seriously?
Do I sacrifice myself for them? Do I call them just to share some time with them? Do I put their needs above my own? Or do I just say that I love them and put no action to it?
Respecting someone is another topic that I have been meditating on lately.
When you say that you "respect" someone, do you really respect them with every fiber of your being... or are you just voicing the thought in your head that you really appreciate them but not necessarily respect them?
Merely saying you respect someone does not mean that you do, indeed, respect them.
Living respectfully of that person shows that you respect them.
(For example, it is like saying, "I respect President Bush and all, but he really is a loser." DISCLAIMER: I do not think that, but I know of people who say stuff like that about different people all the time and misuse the word "respect" so badly that they do not even know the true meaning of respect!! And because they do not know what the word means, they cannot live it out.)
So when Pastor spoke of how Jesus "did" justice, I began to ponder my idea of justice. I know what justice should look like in my imperfect mind, but I rarely live it out. I am often too scared of acting justly for fear that I might hurt someone's feelings or if I am real, sometimes I pass on acting justly because I feel that I can be the judge and deem the action as justifiable when it really is not.
Jesus loved mercy. It's so hard for me to comprehend that! I have a good idea of what mercy is, and, boy, do I love receiving mercy because I can be such an igit at times. But Jesus loves mercy, not because He gets it, but because He gives it out. I'm too selfish to give it out all the time. Instead, I'd rather play the judge and withhold my mercy because the other party really deserves the punishment. What I am describing is not necessarily a conscious thought process, but that is how I often live it out. That is who I am on my own at times. Yes, I do act merciful at times, but I don't live my life to reflect that I love mercy.
I want to love mercy, though. My spirit deep down inside yearns to love mercy as my Lord does even though my body does otherwise.
And that is the beauty of a relationship with Jesus. Walking with God changes all of that. He is humbling me as I write this. Seeing and realizing how I act and how I want to act, I believe that His Holy Spirit is connecting to mine to make a change in my life eternally.
Walking with Him, I am learning that I do not need to feel pressured to change these immature traits of mine. If I allow Him to do what He does best, I will change as long as I keep to His side.
He works from the inside out. He's been doing that subliminally all my life, but there are certain times in my life where I sense and see the change. I am thankful for these moments. They are wonderfully intimate times with my Lord that are not always fun or exciting, but those moments draw us closer.
And nothing beats living in relationship with someone where you are constantly growing closer -slower at times, faster at others.
It's madly fulfilling with Him... and addicting like any good relationship is. Just can't get enough.
Here's a blog I wrote in February this year on Facebook. Came across it today and decided to add it to this. :)
----------------------------------------------------- Friday, February 6, 2009 at 5:07pm
I came across a song that gave me chills yesterday.
It was addressed to Britney Spears, and I have a hard time finding the accurate description of this song to fully portray the sincerity and compassion in it.
Now, I'm willing to bet everyone will react to that video in one of the three ways I'm listing below: -"It's not my problem. That's Hollywood for you." - Detached -"She brought all this trouble upon herself. She deserved it." - Unfazed -"That's unfortunate and someone needs to help her." - Sympathetic
I remember when all the controversy of Britney was all over the news, and it seemed that many people loved to pick apart every failure in her life.
It bothered me so much- the callousness I saw.
Is there anyone else who's heart went out to that broken girl?
The point I'm making is it's not just about Britney. It's about the millions of people that go through that, and receive the same callousness. If we can't show compassion to a celebrity, and just to our friends and people we know, how will this world change for the better?
It's so easy to sit back in our comfortable lives and look over our mistakes, the pain we might cause others and, instead, focus on a star who is having trouble while the whole world gets to see.
Forget that you may have just gotten fed up with your kids, friend, or spouse and yelled at them.
Or you've sat at the McDonald's for 10 minutes in the drive-thru line and gave that person at the window an earful of all their failures for making you wait.
Or the fact that so many things keep piling up in your life and you are depressed beyond belief yet no one knows and you are not sure you even want to live another day.
Or you just divorced your spouse and things are turning ugly because you keep getting called back to court hearings.
Life happens to us all, and when we are going through it, the last thing we want is for someone to pick us apart for each mistake and failure.
The one thing we need is love and help through those times... even the celebrities need that, believe or not.
I'm glad to have my source of love and help through Jesus Christ. I've found that because my source is through Him, I am able to give it away to those who need it.
I love how a girl on Flickr described my Love of my life: "That's what I love about Jesus. The most broken, the most hopeless, the most "irredeemable" in the world's eyes, he delights in. He loves to stop by. To stoop down. To look them in the eye. To take their chin in his hand and say, "It's OK. I'm here." And then, out of the wreckage of their lives, to make something very beautiful.
That's my God. That's the one we celebrate rose again on Easter Sunday. That's the one who's raising other lives from the dead, every day of the week.
That's Jesus." -plouisa on Flickr
Every single person needs that, whether they know it or not.
Every single person needs that acceptance... that love... that guidance... that help... that hope...
Sometimes I wonder what the big picture will be...
But then again, I wonder if I really want to see it.
Wouldn't that take the fun out of 'discovering' the picture?
But, right now, it's hard to see the fun through my impatience.
And if I were to see the big picture, would I be overwhelmed at the size of it... it would be bigger than what I would imagine. Too big perhaps? Inconceivable?
Yet at times like this, I find that I desperately want to see it all so that I know where to go and where I can avoid mess-ups, so I can be happy that I know it all.
Perfection and control...
That must be it.
Lord, how can I surrender those to you?
If I was not so dead-set on perfecting my walk and controlling my life so that I won't make mistakes, then I might find that I actually enjoy figuring out the big picture along the way with You.
It's hard to even fathom giving up control.
It takes faith and sometimes I wonder if I have enough.
Mustard seed, I know.
It's scary to walk out life like this because it requires faith. I associate it with having no control and being okay with that. Which I'm not at the moment, to be perfectly honest.
Walking by faith and not by sight...
No wonder why it's not by sight.If it were by sight, then I could see the way and I could control it.But, I'm not my Lord, and I cannot see the way.
So here I am taking one step at a time into what seems to be a fog. Things will clear up and things will disappear at times, but no matter what, Jesus is faithful to be beside me whether I can see Him clearly or not.
He is the only Guide I need.
I know about this Truth and am learning how true it is and will continue to learn how true it is in an even more real way.
I wanted a dream, something to strive for and accomplish, but I was not ready to settle for just any dream. I wanted something from God. I came to Fort Worth not knowing what I wanted to do anymore. I wanted to act on something, but, frustratingly enough, I did not know where to go. So instead of blindly running down a potential pathway, I plopped myself down in the middle of my junction of possibilities and had an internal pity party. I sure did have a great ol' time at my boo-hoo-hootenanny.And then...A new group from my church was formed, so I decided to join it. It was a group for all who were in their 20's and 30's. On our second meeting, each and every group member shared about his or her own personal dreams and aspirations. Some had such certainty, it made me sick with jealously... well, not quite... but I was a bit sad that I did not have the same clarity. Others had an idea of what they wanted to do with their lives while some remained clueless (myself included).Suddenly, it hit me!As I was listening to a couple talk about their dream of being "relief missionaries," the Lord began to unravel the elusive answers I had so longed for...(Granted, I get quite theatrical in my explanations of things, but this is as close as I can remember the dialogue that went on in my head. Boldare my thoughts and italics are the Lord's responses. At first, I was not sure if this whole dream/conversation/thought process/daydream was of the Lord, but as I am writing it now and just revisiting it, I know that only He could have given me such an awesome hope like this.)The run-down kind of went down like this...
Relief missions! Oh, I want to do that! Not exactly a full-time missionary, but still able to do mission work. I would love that! But what do I really want to do besides that? ...Become a youth pastor's wife? Hmmm... Yeah, sure... Sounds good. Being a youth pastor's "wife" would obviously entail getting married and having children which is a major desire of my heart. Ministering to youth and going on missions trips would also be a part of that job. And since I would be his wife, I would be in a better position to use my talents of helping rather than leading.
But, there's something missing. Why does that dream feel like it is lacking something?
What about the old dream that's been reappearing?
My old dreams... were they still mine? The dreams of becoming a vet? I thought I had given that possibility up. It was no longer mine. I surrendered it to the Lord and He had given me a heart for ministry, so that is not possible. That cannot be the missing part.
But if you become a vet, you would have the flexibility and resources to do mission work when the Lord prompts you...
Oh! That would be awesomeness! ... But what about a family? I would hate to have a career and sacrifice having a family.
But if your husband was a vet...
... *moment of shock* ...
... *sinking in*...
... *hopes definitely starting to burst forth like little flickers of flame*...
At this point, the dialogue stopped and I began to see something as understanding dawned on me. It's hard to explain, but I saw it and just knew what it was and who was there.
A tan-colored, cozy, country home stood the left of my view as my attention swept to the right resting upon a large barn-like structure similar in color to the house. It was a large animal clinic. Although, my focus did not pan in much since I was still far enough away to see both the home and clinic, I somehow knew that my husband was working as a vet in the clinic and I was heading towards it with a child on my left side and a small toddler clutching my right hand. I was a vet as well, but was able to take time off to have our children as my husband kept the business running. It was our home and our clinic where we were able to raise our kids, do what we loved and go to the mission field when the Lord prompted.
Too good to be true. Too good to be true. Too good to be true. Could that really happen?
Somewhere deep, down inside me, I yearned for that to be true, but fear gripped me. I almost wanted to reject it... afraid my hopes would be dashed because it would never come to pass. The picture seared into my memory though. I was glad for that. It was such a beautiful picture. I did not want to forget it even if it would not become my reality.
Sorry for this analogy but it sort of applies: It was much like Bella being so enamored by Edward that she didn't want to forget his face in New Moon. Even at the chance that he was telling her the truth about not loving her, and as much as that hurt because she could not have him, she still wanted to cling to the memory of him. She didn't want to lose it.
I was so afraid that it was too good to be true. What if that wasn't what the Lord wanted me to do? ... Oh! But it was such a beautiful life to live! Just look at it!! It was like a yellow and orange flower... a cross between a rose and a carnation.
Let me enlighten you on a few things right quick though- yellow, orange, and carnations are not among my favorite things... far from them.
So at first glance, the flower held no interest. Yet as I started to see it and realize that it was mine, I began to want it more intensely than I had planned. Sure others might look at it and think of it as pretty and continue to walk by. Perhaps some might even think of it as ugly and want nothing to do with it. But it was mine... it was beautifully and uniquely mine.
I loved it. I wanted it. I yearned for it.
It was the dream that I had been waiting for...
Never did I think that the pieces would have fit so perfectly...
This is for all the people who love and care about me... and perhaps this is for me, too. Just to get the words, ideas, and thoughts out of my head and formulated into comprehensive sentences...
**************************************************************** I suppose most people wouldn’t say that where I am is a dead end, but with my personality, if I don't have a goal and I'm not on a track to get to that goal, I feel like I'm wasting time. So when I don't have a specific goal, I get frustrated.
If someone had asked me a couple months ago if I would like to enroll in college courses-- you know, just the basic stuff... to get them out of the way-- I would have vehemently refused... and often did so.
However, something happened back in March that changed my view of returning to school...
I found that when one finally finds a vision and purpose for going to school, the desire to go changes drastically.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The end of my junior year was a definitive moment in my life. Prior to those last few weeks, I had always dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. I still have a picture I drew in Kindergarten portraying just that. However, I felt the Lord asking me to surrender that and go into the ministry. It came at a time when I was really questioning why I wanted to pursue vet med. Was I just following that plan because I knew how to navigate my life if I chose that path or was that what my heart truly desired? I had felt a stirring in my heart for the ministry, but it still scared me to give up my dream that I had held on to for 17 years. I prayed that He would change my heart, and He did. Thus began my pursuit of different careers in church ministry.
I attempted to go to a bible college which lasted for a semester due to a lack of finances. Home became my next destination where I served in my first home church and tried to save up some much needed money for college.
The opportunities varied in my church so I was able to assist in the nursery, youth group, kids' church, and eventually lead a group of Junior High youth. All good stuff worth the time and effort put into them, but as time went on, I became so focused on doing my duties at church and keeping up with a tight schedule, that I began to care less and less about myself and my relationship with God at home. I started to get really stressed, but, rarely if ever, did I ever tell anyone except with those whom I had lived... and only when I broke down because I had let myself become so overwhelmed. I could go into detail, but that would warrant another blog all by itself. Basically, I put aside quality time with God to do other tasks in my life. Most of those tasks would be what people call "good" tasks, but with me giving out all my resources and never refilling them on my own with God, my tank ran out too fast and I found myself running on fumes a lot.
So by the end of 2008, I was exhausted - spiritually, emotionally, physically. I was in need of a severe change. I had even performed a song called "Resurrection" at my church at the beginning of 2009 (after my decision to move had been made). It fit my life so perfectly which is probably why I was able to sing it the way I did because it truly became my song at that time in my life.
In this condition, I arrived at my sister's house in February this year.
Looking back internally, I was so broken and could not have cared less what the next step was. I had set up hopes of returning to Christ for the Nations Institute time and time again, only see those hopes dashed with every passing semester not attended yet again because of my lack of financial control. A new opportunity arose to enroll in a program called "Ignite" at Life Pacific College in California which became my new goal. It had missionary opportunities that I was eager to engage in, and with full intentions to apply when I moved to Fort Worth, I was so blindsided by my own emotional fatigue that I had held at bay for the last year that I did not even try to apply.
Momentarily arrested by this lassitude, I began to question my desires and passions for life and was surprised to find that I didn't want to go anywhere... I felt like I was at a dead end. Part of me cared, part of me did not... I wanted God's direction for my life, but I felt so confused. In the midst of job hunting, I came across some opportunities to work with animals which slowly evoked my faded desires to life causing more confusion. Like the glimpse of a dream I could have had that dangled just out of reach in front of me! I wanted my old dreams back and to be able to pursue it, but I had thought I had given that up in place of the ministry. There's no doubt that my heart is drawn to the ministry, but why was this coming back again? It seemed to taunt me. I wasn't sure of the next step - whether to step towards it or away from it or in alignment with it - so even though I probably had a million pathways to choose from, I still seemed to be at a dead end because I could not bring myself to step towards one of them without any direction. I wanted both of them but had no clue how they would ever coincide...
