What Does God Want From Me?

Like most Sunday mornings, I attended church today late as usual. Arriving just in time to partake in communion as I swiftly found a seat. I missed the majority of my favorite part of church -praise & worship- but I sat down and tried to get ready to take in the message that I knew Pastor had prepared.

I was not expecting anything spectacular or mind-blowing. It would have been cool if something like that had happened, but it did not.

I've been noticing more and more things about myself since being out here. Something I noticed was when I was able to get lost in worship before the message, I was much more open to it, and my brain would soak so much more in. And previous to today, I believed that if I could not worship with abandon prior to a sermon, I would not get much benefit from it. I am not sure if I believed that completely, but I think that is what was running through the back of my mind subconsciously.

But today, I experienced something different. Even though I had not prepared myself for church with worship, my spirit was still stirred. I am used to being completely immersed in His Presence with everything I seem to have -mostly my brain and my heart. I would like to add "my spirit" to that list, but realizing when my spirit is stirred alone is a new occurrence to me, so I am not sure if I really have known when my spirit has been truly stirred apart from when my heart and my brain have been stirred as well. I think it has been stirred before, I just did not realize it or have an awareness of it before. Does that make sense?

So I sat there today, listening to Pastor whilst trying to pay attention. Everything he explained today kept my attention, but there was no huge revelation that suddenly became clear in my boggled mind that would captivate my attention for the next week. I listened and took it in the best I could, but it was hard for me today. My spirit, however, was more tuned in to what he was saying than my brain was apparently.

Pastor began to explain how Jesus walked out Micah 6:8.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

I was challenged more deeply than I expected. I thought I acted justly, was merciful and walked humbly with my God.

But thinking/believing that you are something and being something are completely different!

I am coming to a point in my life where I am realizing that I am not who I say I am...

I am who I am.

How I act, how I live, how I react, how I am - that is who I really am.

For so long, I would say that I love people, but did I truly show it? True love should be seen. No one should have to explain what they are doing. Just because I say that I love my mom & dad, does that mean that I really do?

Seriously?

Do I sacrifice myself for them? Do I call them just to share some time with them? Do I put their needs above my own? Or do I just say that I love them and put no action to it?

Respecting someone is another topic that I have been meditating on lately.

When you say that you "respect" someone, do you really respect them with every fiber of your being... or are you just voicing the thought in your head that you really appreciate them but not necessarily respect them?

Merely saying you respect someone does not mean that you do, indeed, respect them.

Living respectfully of that person shows that you respect them.

(For example, it is like saying, "I respect President Bush and all, but he really is a loser." DISCLAIMER: I do not think that, but I know of people who say stuff like that about different people all the time and misuse the word "respect" so badly that they do not even know the true meaning of respect!! And because they do not know what the word means, they cannot live it out.)

So when Pastor spoke of how Jesus "did" justice, I began to ponder my idea of justice. I know what justice should look like in my imperfect mind, but I rarely live it out. I am often too scared of acting justly for fear that I might hurt someone's feelings or if I am real, sometimes I pass on acting justly because I feel that I can be the judge and deem the action as justifiable when it really is not.

Jesus loved mercy. It's so hard for me to comprehend that! I have a good idea of what mercy is, and, boy, do I love receiving mercy because I can be such an igit at times. But Jesus loves mercy, not because He gets it, but because He gives it out. I'm too selfish to give it out all the time. Instead, I'd rather play the judge and withhold my mercy because the other party really deserves the punishment. What I am describing is not necessarily a conscious thought process, but that is how I often live it out. That is who I am on my own at times. Yes, I do act merciful at times, but I don't live my life to reflect that I love mercy.

I want to love mercy, though. My spirit deep down inside yearns to love mercy as my Lord does even though my body does otherwise.

And that is the beauty of a relationship with Jesus. Walking with God changes all of that. He is humbling me as I write this. Seeing and realizing how I act and how I want to act, I believe that His Holy Spirit is connecting to mine to make a change in my life eternally.

Walking with Him, I am learning that I do not need to feel pressured to change these immature traits of mine. If I allow Him to do what He does best, I will change as long as I keep to His side.

He works from the inside out. He's been doing that subliminally all my life, but there are certain times in my life where I sense and see the change. I am thankful for these moments. They are wonderfully intimate times with my Lord that are not always fun or exciting, but those moments draw us closer.

And nothing beats living in relationship with someone where you are constantly growing closer -slower at times, faster at others.

It's madly fulfilling with Him... and addicting like any good relationship is. Just can't get enough.