Fix-it Friday #44

Here's my entry for the IHeartFaces blog contest of Fix-it Fridays!

Chapter 7: Courage & Faith

With school starting up in two days, I've been doing a lot of thinking. To be honest, I'm freaked out, scared, wanting to back out and just not go there.

If you don't try, you can't fail, right?

...except there is a whole different type of failure that one does experience in this case.

It's the fact that if I don't step up and face the small stuff, then I will ultimately fail at the wonderful calling the Lord has placed on my life. I know for a fact that He has placed me where I am at today so that I could walk in the dream He has revealed to me. It's an insanely wonderful dream, I might add. Have I told you about it? If not, let me know.

But why all the hesitation? If I am so sure of this calling, I should be emboldened to pursue it no matter the cost, right?

That's a scary thing though.

I've found that I often recall bad experiences and this paralyzes me in my endeavors.

My prior attempts at college failed, in my opinion, and while I thoroughly enjoyed my time at CFNI, it was one of the hardest times in my life. I struggled so much that year... trying to make ends meet, trying to make it all work in my own power. I recognized that I could not do this on my own, and perhaps it's gone too far to the other end of the spectrum now. I know that I cannot do this in my own strength, and so I'm scared that any thing that I might have the slightest passion to pursue would be of my own doing and I will fall on my face yet again and bear more disappointment and hurt. How frustrating this whole cycle is, and I'm sure satan is loving it. Probably doesn't even need to do much coaxing of doubt because my mind is doing more than enough of it.

But of this I do know: My Jesus loves me which means He has a vested interest in my well-being, in my character building, in my journey to be more like Him. While He may ask me to do some very hard things that will break down my comfort zones, He will be there every step of the way. When my family has encouraged me all that they can, when my friends have reassured me all that they can, He is the only One who can continually pour His strength, courage, wisdom, guidance, love... actually it's really summed up in saying that He is the only One who can continually pour Himself into me.

So no matter what my past, my failings, my achievements, my circumstances or my feelings are, I will walk forward with Him. Dizzy, nervous and sick to my stomach, I may be, but I will be sure to take each step because I trust Him and what He has told me of the plans that He has for me. It's a good plan and not an evil one. He's given me a hope and a future. I know that when I freak out on the path and I call to Him, He hears me. I know when things are going great and I call to Him, He hears me. I know that when I seek Him with all my heart, I most assuredly find Him.

Consequently, though my knees are shaking and my pulse is quickening, I can smile and face these new obstacles just because I know He is right here with me... probably laughing at my silly over-thinking.

Chapter 6: The Dangers of "Knowing"

It's ironic how many times my sister can tell me something over and over again, yet it seems to fall on deaf ears.

"It's not all about you, Vickie."

"So there I was, just offended and stuff..."

"It's not all about you, Vickie."

"But I was totally disgusted and couldn't believe..."

"It's not all about you, Vickie."

Okay, so I have learned that it's not all about me, but there are other things that people tell me that I just don't seem to hear the first 500 hundred times they tell me.

I am like that with the Lord as well.

"Don't get that puppy, Vickie."

"Awwww! Look at the soft fur and cute lil' face!"

"Don't get that puppy, Vickie."

"Mom, Dad, meet my new puppy."

"..."

Those of my closest friends know that story...

And even though I insist on going my own way, the Lord still does His thing and proves His faithfulness to me each time I mess up regardless of what I do. He is ever faithful. He cares for me. So much so that He warns me of things, which I stupidly do not take heed to and when I run into heartache, I see His love-filled warnings and cringe at yet another wrong turn made by yours truly.

Chapter 5: To Lay It Down Or Not To Lay It Down... That Is The Question

Sometimes I wonder when I cling to the Lord at times, if I do it just to get away from my present trials and troubles? At times I just don't want to deal with an issue or possibly get hurt by it, so it seems to make sense to run to the Lord with that, laying it down at the cross so I don't have to handle the situation...

Oh, but how hard it is to do that and follow through with it!

Because sometimes what's in front of me seems to be too good to be true, and then I give in to thinking that I'll be hurt and disappointed if it doesn't turn out like I want it to turn out.

So I struggle with my feeble attempts to cling on to it just because it seems so good.

But I also struggle to get away from it just in case it will backfire.

How horrible is that? How normal is that? How human is that?

Fear is not of the Lord, I know, but it is easier to cower in fear of disappointment than to bravely walk forward believing that my God will protect me.

I'd like to say that I don't doubt God's ability to protect me, but that wouldn't be entirely true. That is a statement that I want to say with my whole being... not just my mouth... because if I truly did NOT doubt it, wouldn't I be walking forward rather than cowering in the corner attempting to protect myself?

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

The power in His Word is awesome, reassuring and life-giving. I don't always grasp everything to be had in Scripture, but I love it when He reveals bits of it to me like this particular Scripture that has so much to it that it takes a while to "chew" through it all bringing satisfaction and strength with every "bite."

He makes known to me the path of life. Not the entire path, but He lets me know what I need to know at this given moment. And that is what I need to recognize.

The fear of future disappointment often makes me miss out on so many current opportunities... If only I would rest and rely on the Lord to take care of the future and just be content with my present, it seems that this whole fear thing would be solved.

Help me Lord because things are so much easier said than done.

Chapter 4: By My Side

Music... amazing thing that it is. I love it. I love making it... when no one is listening.

Lyrics... amazing stories they tell, feelings they evoke, truths you learn.

I've heard the song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North all over the place before... but tonight, it's struck a chord.

The Lord knew that I needed to hear those words. To wake me up and for Him to speak so loud through that group to my heart as if they made that song just for me.

You know those times when you hear something and the truth of it hits you so hard that it almost feels like the wind is knocked out of your lungs and your stomach is wrought with knots in conviction?

Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

The lyrics pinned me to the wall...

Unfurling my heart's disposition right before my eyes.

I know my God... not fully... but I know who He is to me at this point in my life. He is my ultimate Comforter, my unwavering Lover, my encouraging Supporter, my merciful King, my funny Joy, my gentle Corrector, my sweet Jesus... my Beloved.

Why do I take my eyes off of Him?

I don't just know about those traits... I know those traits because I've experienced them.

AND YET, I am still searching as if He is not enough...

The amazing discomfort and exhilaration that courses through me when I know He is lifting my face is hard to explain. I can definitely understand the urge to turn away from Him. The discomfort is mostly because my Perfect is choosing to look me in the eye and still proclaim His Love for me despite my downfalls, imperfections, unfaithfulness and disobedience. The exhilaration... well, His Presence is fulfilling.

And it's that... His Fulfilling Presence... that draws me to Him. Broken shambles that I am at times are secure in His Hands that continually hold me.

It's in those moments when nothing matters anymore in His Embrace... my hopes, my daydreams, my aspirations... they fall away when I dive into His Presence.

I love these moments with Him as awkward and fulfilling as they are to me.

I don't run to Him nearly enough, but I know that He is working in me just the same and that where I am at does not worry Him. He knows how I'll grow in Him and when I will... and so, for now, I am not going to worry if I am close enough to Him every single day.

I'm going to relax and fall into His Embrace right here, right now.

What Does God Want From Me?

Like most Sunday mornings, I attended church today late as usual. Arriving just in time to partake in communion as I swiftly found a seat. I missed the majority of my favorite part of church -praise & worship- but I sat down and tried to get ready to take in the message that I knew Pastor had prepared.

I was not expecting anything spectacular or mind-blowing. It would have been cool if something like that had happened, but it did not.

I've been noticing more and more things about myself since being out here. Something I noticed was when I was able to get lost in worship before the message, I was much more open to it, and my brain would soak so much more in. And previous to today, I believed that if I could not worship with abandon prior to a sermon, I would not get much benefit from it. I am not sure if I believed that completely, but I think that is what was running through the back of my mind subconsciously.

But today, I experienced something different. Even though I had not prepared myself for church with worship, my spirit was still stirred. I am used to being completely immersed in His Presence with everything I seem to have -mostly my brain and my heart. I would like to add "my spirit" to that list, but realizing when my spirit is stirred alone is a new occurrence to me, so I am not sure if I really have known when my spirit has been truly stirred apart from when my heart and my brain have been stirred as well. I think it has been stirred before, I just did not realize it or have an awareness of it before. Does that make sense?

So I sat there today, listening to Pastor whilst trying to pay attention. Everything he explained today kept my attention, but there was no huge revelation that suddenly became clear in my boggled mind that would captivate my attention for the next week. I listened and took it in the best I could, but it was hard for me today. My spirit, however, was more tuned in to what he was saying than my brain was apparently.

Pastor began to explain how Jesus walked out Micah 6:8.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

I was challenged more deeply than I expected. I thought I acted justly, was merciful and walked humbly with my God.

But thinking/believing that you are something and being something are completely different!

I am coming to a point in my life where I am realizing that I am not who I say I am...

I am who I am.

How I act, how I live, how I react, how I am - that is who I really am.

For so long, I would say that I love people, but did I truly show it? True love should be seen. No one should have to explain what they are doing. Just because I say that I love my mom & dad, does that mean that I really do?

Seriously?

Do I sacrifice myself for them? Do I call them just to share some time with them? Do I put their needs above my own? Or do I just say that I love them and put no action to it?

Respecting someone is another topic that I have been meditating on lately.

When you say that you "respect" someone, do you really respect them with every fiber of your being... or are you just voicing the thought in your head that you really appreciate them but not necessarily respect them?

Merely saying you respect someone does not mean that you do, indeed, respect them.

Living respectfully of that person shows that you respect them.

(For example, it is like saying, "I respect President Bush and all, but he really is a loser." DISCLAIMER: I do not think that, but I know of people who say stuff like that about different people all the time and misuse the word "respect" so badly that they do not even know the true meaning of respect!! And because they do not know what the word means, they cannot live it out.)

So when Pastor spoke of how Jesus "did" justice, I began to ponder my idea of justice. I know what justice should look like in my imperfect mind, but I rarely live it out. I am often too scared of acting justly for fear that I might hurt someone's feelings or if I am real, sometimes I pass on acting justly because I feel that I can be the judge and deem the action as justifiable when it really is not.

Jesus loved mercy. It's so hard for me to comprehend that! I have a good idea of what mercy is, and, boy, do I love receiving mercy because I can be such an igit at times. But Jesus loves mercy, not because He gets it, but because He gives it out. I'm too selfish to give it out all the time. Instead, I'd rather play the judge and withhold my mercy because the other party really deserves the punishment. What I am describing is not necessarily a conscious thought process, but that is how I often live it out. That is who I am on my own at times. Yes, I do act merciful at times, but I don't live my life to reflect that I love mercy.

I want to love mercy, though. My spirit deep down inside yearns to love mercy as my Lord does even though my body does otherwise.

And that is the beauty of a relationship with Jesus. Walking with God changes all of that. He is humbling me as I write this. Seeing and realizing how I act and how I want to act, I believe that His Holy Spirit is connecting to mine to make a change in my life eternally.

Walking with Him, I am learning that I do not need to feel pressured to change these immature traits of mine. If I allow Him to do what He does best, I will change as long as I keep to His side.

He works from the inside out. He's been doing that subliminally all my life, but there are certain times in my life where I sense and see the change. I am thankful for these moments. They are wonderfully intimate times with my Lord that are not always fun or exciting, but those moments draw us closer.

And nothing beats living in relationship with someone where you are constantly growing closer -slower at times, faster at others.

It's madly fulfilling with Him... and addicting like any good relationship is. Just can't get enough.

Torn & Broken - Hope Is Coming

Here's a blog I wrote in February this year on Facebook. Came across it today and decided to add it to this. :)

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Friday, February 6, 2009 at 5:07pm


I came across a song that gave me chills yesterday.

It was addressed to Britney Spears, and I have a hard time finding the accurate description of this song to fully portray the sincerity and compassion in it.

Here's a link to a video with the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_Q_wVfGAfA
Scratch that... the video was removed.
Go to Bebo Norman's myspace to hear the "Britney" song:
http://www.myspace.com/bebonorman

I agree with EACH word in that song.

Now, I'm willing to bet everyone will react to that video in one of the three ways I'm listing below:
-"It's not my problem. That's Hollywood for you." - Detached
-"She brought all this trouble upon herself. She deserved it." - Unfazed
-"That's unfortunate and someone needs to help her." - Sympathetic

I remember when all the controversy of Britney was all over the news, and it seemed that many people loved to pick apart every failure in her life.

It bothered me so much- the callousness I saw.

Is there anyone else who's heart went out to that broken girl?

The point I'm making is it's not just about Britney. It's about the millions of people that go through that, and receive the same callousness. If we can't show compassion to a celebrity, and just to our friends and people we know, how will this world change for the better?

It's so easy to sit back in our comfortable lives and look over our mistakes, the pain we might cause others and, instead, focus on a star who is having trouble while the whole world gets to see.

Forget that you may have just gotten fed up with your kids, friend, or spouse and yelled at them.

Or you've sat at the McDonald's for 10 minutes in the drive-thru line and gave that person at the window an earful of all their failures for making you wait.

Or the fact that so many things keep piling up in your life and you are depressed beyond belief yet no one knows and you are not sure you even want to live another day.

Or you just divorced your spouse and things are turning ugly because you keep getting called back to court hearings.

Life happens to us all, and when we are going through it, the last thing we want is for someone to pick us apart for each mistake and failure.

The one thing we need is love and help through those times... even the celebrities need that, believe or not.

I'm glad to have my source of love and help through Jesus Christ. I've found that because my source is through Him, I am able to give it away to those who need it.

I love how a girl on Flickr described my Love of my life:
"That's what I love about Jesus. The most broken, the most hopeless, the most "irredeemable" in the world's eyes, he delights in. He loves to stop by. To stoop down. To look them in the eye. To take their chin in his hand and say, "It's OK. I'm here." And then, out of the wreckage of their lives, to make something very beautiful.

That's my God. That's the one we celebrate rose again on Easter Sunday. That's the one who's raising other lives from the dead, every day of the week.

That's Jesus."
-plouisa on Flickr

Every single person needs that, whether they know it or not.

Every single person needs that acceptance...
that love...
that guidance...
that help...
that hope...