Chapter 9: If I knew then, what I know now... I wouldn't change a thing...

April 29th, 2009 "... I will close doors that need not be opened. I will guide you in the way that benefits you, in the way that is needed. You may not understand where you are going, but I'm going to need you to trust in my Love for you and follow my instructions. I will not lead you astray. I trust in you and because of that, you will learn to trust in Me. I am fully capable and yearning to help you, darling child. I love what has begun in you, and I can't wait to see it come to pass in you. You will be delighted, tried and satisfied in my plans and desires in your life. You are worth it all."

I thought I knew what that word to me meant almost two years ago. I came across it just a few nights ago and realized that it means something totally different to me now. Who knew that I'd need that word so much right now?

I have been heavily contemplating how much I have changed in the last two years and where the Lord has brought me. I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed the change (nor do they need to), but upon taking a personal inventory, I have found that a lot has been going on and has changed. Some areas have been strengthened, some have been weakened and some have seen some serious fire... but through it all, this I know: God surely loves me, and I love Him.

Despite my squalls and protests, I have chosen to trust Him. And let me just say, He asks hard things of me! To others they may not seem like it, but nevertheless, they are things that challenge me, things that I don't want to give up, things that push my limits but, in the end, these are things that essentially make me grow. He asks for my trust. He asks for my best. He asks for my obedience. He asks for my surrender. At times my resolve falters and I doubt, but the amazing thing is that He talks me through it all. One of the things I love about Him! I've not had many resounding words from Him, but I have had a few. At times it comes in the form of the journal entry above or a timely word from a friend or unexplainable presence in worship and sometimes it's an undeniable whisper to the heart. How precious He is to me.

The more I walk with Him, the more I realize that I have grown out of that stage of wondering if I truly believe in God. It's no longer a matter of if I know God... it's a matter of how I know God. I know Him to be faithful to me. I know Him to lead me in the way that I should go... even if it hurts... a lot... and that in the end, He is right. I've seen how He's saved me from my mistakes that I made and from ones I didn't make because I listened to Him.

And because I know Him to be true, I know that what He is asking of me now will be worth the sacrifice. I know that I can trust Him. I know that He will guide me in the way that benefits me. Even though a large part of me does not understand why He's asking this of me, I will trust that He loves me. He has not lead me astray, nor will He. He trusts in me and I have learned to trust in Him. I have been delighted... very delighted... tried... more than I ever wanted to be... and satisfied in the plans He has for me. And as for the plans that I do not know of yet, I know I will be delighted, tried and satisfied with those just the same. All because He is worth it all. He is worth the risk of jumping out in faith because there is no way to describe the feeling of being caught by Him when you do.