that you need
My strength is made
when you're weak
It's gonna be okay
...Just you wait
It's gonna be okay
...It's gonna be okay
Those who die in the Lord
are blessed
From their labors
they will rest
Sown in tears
and righteousness
Til they hit the ground
love and hope in the Lord
What a battle this has turned out to be! Could it have been avoided? Well, looking back on one specific instruction I had gotten from my Godfather a long time ago, it probably would have been had I heeded his words. Things would have been vastly different... and yet I find that some selfish part of me would have still chosen this path if I had known the outcomes of both.
Why? Why do I yearn to be in a place like this? Emotional wreck that I am. I find that I value the times that I am brought to my knees. I see the Lord in a whole different light in these times. Sometimes, I seek the Lord for comfort. At other times, I sit and worry. I worry that I'm alone in this battle and that no one cares. Would it be right that no one should care? Especially if I've brought this upon myself? I mean, I chose a path and decided to pursue something when I was advised not to. I was curious where it would go and didn't want to let go of it. If anyone else would have seen this scenario, I doubt they would have thought it wrong of me to continue rather than stop as my Godfather had told me.
But regardless of my actions then, it is what it is and now I must walk out the consequences... even if that means it's a toll on my emotions but how do I do it in a way that still honors the Lord and doesn't completely ruin me to my world around me? Things are changing and I don't like it, but I'm not opposed to it. It needs to happen. I tell myself that it's going to be okay. But after a while, I don't want to be the one telling myself that. I want confirmation, validation, and not from my own voice. Oh how great it would be to be embraced and told, "Yes, it is going to be okay. You are strong. You will get through this like a woman of God. Yes, it's okay to cry. It is okay to be sad. You will get over this. Keep going! Keep fighting. It is worth it. We may not know how it will look, but you are not crazy for thinking to yourself that it is worth it. It is not crazy because it really will be worth it."
When I don't hear this from others, I find that I have one place to go... and that's to the Lord. But I disobeyed, and I begin to wonder if it is appropriate for me to declare His promises to myself. Do those promises apply to me when I am in this situation that I caused? Would it be right of me to do that? Well, that's what mercy is for, maybe? At least, I suppose it is. It's for those times when you ask for the goodness of the Lord and you don't deserve it, but His word makes clear that He lavishes it upon us anyways. This is a hard road to walk... made even harder when it seems desolate and void of any help. Without words of encouragement, it is hard to press on.
But, all I can do now is to keep going. To seek the forgiveness of the Lord and His comforting arms as my heart aches through this time ahead of me. Forgive me, Jesus. Please hold me. Please carry me through the lonely nights, strengthen me through the saddened days, help me to see that You're all I need. Show me how to grieve appropriately and how to cling to the joy You bring. I know it will fill me, but when my soul is hurting, may I feel Your Holy Spirit as a healing salve. For I have done injury to myself and am in need of Your healing.
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