Sometimes I wonder what the big picture will be...
But then again, I wonder if I really want to see it.
Wouldn't that take the fun out of 'discovering' the picture?
But, right now, it's hard to see the fun through my impatience.
And if I were to see the big picture, would I be overwhelmed at the size of it... it would be bigger than what I would imagine. Too big perhaps? Inconceivable?
Yet at times like this, I find that I desperately want to see it all so that I know where to go and where I can avoid mess-ups, so I can be happy that I know it all.
Perfection and control...
That must be it.
Lord, how can I surrender those to you?
If I was not so dead-set on perfecting my walk and controlling my life so that I won't make mistakes, then I might find that I actually enjoy figuring out the big picture along the way with You.
It's hard to even fathom giving up control.
It takes faith and sometimes I wonder if I have enough.
Mustard seed, I know.
It's scary to walk out life like this because it requires faith. I associate it with having no control and being okay with that. Which I'm not at the moment, to be perfectly honest.
Walking by faith and not by sight...
No wonder why it's not by sight.If it were by sight, then I could see the way and I could control it.But, I'm not my Lord, and I cannot see the way.
So here I am taking one step at a time into what seems to be a fog. Things will clear up and things will disappear at times, but no matter what, Jesus is faithful to be beside me whether I can see Him clearly or not.
He is the only Guide I need.
I know about this Truth and am learning how true it is and will continue to learn how true it is in an even more real way.
I wanted a dream, something to strive for and accomplish, but I was not ready to settle for just any dream. I wanted something from God. I came to Fort Worth not knowing what I wanted to do anymore. I wanted to act on something, but, frustratingly enough, I did not know where to go. So instead of blindly running down a potential pathway, I plopped myself down in the middle of my junction of possibilities and had an internal pity party. I sure did have a great ol' time at my boo-hoo-hootenanny.And then...A new group from my church was formed, so I decided to join it. It was a group for all who were in their 20's and 30's. On our second meeting, each and every group member shared about his or her own personal dreams and aspirations. Some had such certainty, it made me sick with jealously... well, not quite... but I was a bit sad that I did not have the same clarity. Others had an idea of what they wanted to do with their lives while some remained clueless (myself included).Suddenly, it hit me!As I was listening to a couple talk about their dream of being "relief missionaries," the Lord began to unravel the elusive answers I had so longed for...(Granted, I get quite theatrical in my explanations of things, but this is as close as I can remember the dialogue that went on in my head. Boldare my thoughts and italics are the Lord's responses. At first, I was not sure if this whole dream/conversation/thought process/daydream was of the Lord, but as I am writing it now and just revisiting it, I know that only He could have given me such an awesome hope like this.)The run-down kind of went down like this...
Relief missions! Oh, I want to do that! Not exactly a full-time missionary, but still able to do mission work. I would love that! But what do I really want to do besides that? ...Become a youth pastor's wife? Hmmm... Yeah, sure... Sounds good. Being a youth pastor's "wife" would obviously entail getting married and having children which is a major desire of my heart. Ministering to youth and going on missions trips would also be a part of that job. And since I would be his wife, I would be in a better position to use my talents of helping rather than leading.
But, there's something missing. Why does that dream feel like it is lacking something?
What about the old dream that's been reappearing?
My old dreams... were they still mine? The dreams of becoming a vet? I thought I had given that possibility up. It was no longer mine. I surrendered it to the Lord and He had given me a heart for ministry, so that is not possible. That cannot be the missing part.
But if you become a vet, you would have the flexibility and resources to do mission work when the Lord prompts you...
Oh! That would be awesomeness! ... But what about a family? I would hate to have a career and sacrifice having a family.
But if your husband was a vet...
... *moment of shock* ...
... *sinking in*...
... *hopes definitely starting to burst forth like little flickers of flame*...
At this point, the dialogue stopped and I began to see something as understanding dawned on me. It's hard to explain, but I saw it and just knew what it was and who was there.
A tan-colored, cozy, country home stood the left of my view as my attention swept to the right resting upon a large barn-like structure similar in color to the house. It was a large animal clinic. Although, my focus did not pan in much since I was still far enough away to see both the home and clinic, I somehow knew that my husband was working as a vet in the clinic and I was heading towards it with a child on my left side and a small toddler clutching my right hand. I was a vet as well, but was able to take time off to have our children as my husband kept the business running. It was our home and our clinic where we were able to raise our kids, do what we loved and go to the mission field when the Lord prompted.
Too good to be true. Too good to be true. Too good to be true. Could that really happen?
Somewhere deep, down inside me, I yearned for that to be true, but fear gripped me. I almost wanted to reject it... afraid my hopes would be dashed because it would never come to pass. The picture seared into my memory though. I was glad for that. It was such a beautiful picture. I did not want to forget it even if it would not become my reality.
Sorry for this analogy but it sort of applies: It was much like Bella being so enamored by Edward that she didn't want to forget his face in New Moon. Even at the chance that he was telling her the truth about not loving her, and as much as that hurt because she could not have him, she still wanted to cling to the memory of him. She didn't want to lose it.
I was so afraid that it was too good to be true. What if that wasn't what the Lord wanted me to do? ... Oh! But it was such a beautiful life to live! Just look at it!! It was like a yellow and orange flower... a cross between a rose and a carnation.
Let me enlighten you on a few things right quick though- yellow, orange, and carnations are not among my favorite things... far from them.
So at first glance, the flower held no interest. Yet as I started to see it and realize that it was mine, I began to want it more intensely than I had planned. Sure others might look at it and think of it as pretty and continue to walk by. Perhaps some might even think of it as ugly and want nothing to do with it. But it was mine... it was beautifully and uniquely mine.
I loved it. I wanted it. I yearned for it.
It was the dream that I had been waiting for...
Never did I think that the pieces would have fit so perfectly...
This is for all the people who love and care about me... and perhaps this is for me, too. Just to get the words, ideas, and thoughts out of my head and formulated into comprehensive sentences...
**************************************************************** I suppose most people wouldn’t say that where I am is a dead end, but with my personality, if I don't have a goal and I'm not on a track to get to that goal, I feel like I'm wasting time. So when I don't have a specific goal, I get frustrated.
If someone had asked me a couple months ago if I would like to enroll in college courses-- you know, just the basic stuff... to get them out of the way-- I would have vehemently refused... and often did so.
However, something happened back in March that changed my view of returning to school...
I found that when one finally finds a vision and purpose for going to school, the desire to go changes drastically.
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The end of my junior year was a definitive moment in my life. Prior to those last few weeks, I had always dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. I still have a picture I drew in Kindergarten portraying just that. However, I felt the Lord asking me to surrender that and go into the ministry. It came at a time when I was really questioning why I wanted to pursue vet med. Was I just following that plan because I knew how to navigate my life if I chose that path or was that what my heart truly desired? I had felt a stirring in my heart for the ministry, but it still scared me to give up my dream that I had held on to for 17 years. I prayed that He would change my heart, and He did. Thus began my pursuit of different careers in church ministry.
I attempted to go to a bible college which lasted for a semester due to a lack of finances. Home became my next destination where I served in my first home church and tried to save up some much needed money for college.
The opportunities varied in my church so I was able to assist in the nursery, youth group, kids' church, and eventually lead a group of Junior High youth. All good stuff worth the time and effort put into them, but as time went on, I became so focused on doing my duties at church and keeping up with a tight schedule, that I began to care less and less about myself and my relationship with God at home. I started to get really stressed, but, rarely if ever, did I ever tell anyone except with those whom I had lived... and only when I broke down because I had let myself become so overwhelmed. I could go into detail, but that would warrant another blog all by itself. Basically, I put aside quality time with God to do other tasks in my life. Most of those tasks would be what people call "good" tasks, but with me giving out all my resources and never refilling them on my own with God, my tank ran out too fast and I found myself running on fumes a lot.
So by the end of 2008, I was exhausted - spiritually, emotionally, physically. I was in need of a severe change. I had even performed a song called "Resurrection" at my church at the beginning of 2009 (after my decision to move had been made). It fit my life so perfectly which is probably why I was able to sing it the way I did because it truly became my song at that time in my life.
In this condition, I arrived at my sister's house in February this year.
Looking back internally, I was so broken and could not have cared less what the next step was. I had set up hopes of returning to Christ for the Nations Institute time and time again, only see those hopes dashed with every passing semester not attended yet again because of my lack of financial control. A new opportunity arose to enroll in a program called "Ignite" at Life Pacific College in California which became my new goal. It had missionary opportunities that I was eager to engage in, and with full intentions to apply when I moved to Fort Worth, I was so blindsided by my own emotional fatigue that I had held at bay for the last year that I did not even try to apply.
Momentarily arrested by this lassitude, I began to question my desires and passions for life and was surprised to find that I didn't want to go anywhere... I felt like I was at a dead end. Part of me cared, part of me did not... I wanted God's direction for my life, but I felt so confused. In the midst of job hunting, I came across some opportunities to work with animals which slowly evoked my faded desires to life causing more confusion. Like the glimpse of a dream I could have had that dangled just out of reach in front of me! I wanted my old dreams back and to be able to pursue it, but I had thought I had given that up in place of the ministry. There's no doubt that my heart is drawn to the ministry, but why was this coming back again? It seemed to taunt me. I wasn't sure of the next step - whether to step towards it or away from it or in alignment with it - so even though I probably had a million pathways to choose from, I still seemed to be at a dead end because I could not bring myself to step towards one of them without any direction. I wanted both of them but had no clue how they would ever coincide...
