Chapter 10: Sometimes it's all you can do to just keep walking

My grace is all
that you need
My strength is made
when you're weak

It's gonna be okay
...Just you wait
It's gonna be okay
...It's gonna be okay

Those who die in the Lord
are blessed
From their labors
they will rest
Sown in tears
and righteousness
Til they hit the ground
love and hope in the Lord

What a battle this has turned out to be! Could it have been avoided? Well, looking back on one specific instruction I had gotten from my Godfather a long time ago, it probably would have been had I heeded his words. Things would have been vastly different... and yet I find that some selfish part of me would have still chosen this path if I had known the outcomes of both.

Why? Why do I yearn to be in a place like this? Emotional wreck that I am. I find that I value the times that I am brought to my knees. I see the Lord in a whole different light in these times. Sometimes, I seek the Lord for comfort. At other times, I sit and worry. I worry that I'm alone in this battle and that no one cares. Would it be right that no one should care? Especially if I've brought this upon myself? I mean, I chose a path and decided to pursue something when I was advised not to. I was curious where it would go and didn't want to let go of it. If anyone else would have seen this scenario, I doubt they would have thought it wrong of me to continue rather than stop as my Godfather had told me.

But regardless of my actions then, it is what it is and now I must walk out the consequences... even if that means it's a toll on my emotions but how do I do it in a way that still honors the Lord and doesn't completely ruin me to my world around me? Things are changing and I don't like it, but I'm not opposed to it. It needs to happen. I tell myself that it's going to be okay. But after a while, I don't want to be the one telling myself that. I want confirmation, validation, and not from my own voice. Oh how great it would be to be embraced and told, "Yes, it is going to be okay. You are strong. You will get through this like a woman of God. Yes, it's okay to cry. It is okay to be sad. You will get over this. Keep going! Keep fighting. It is worth it. We may not know how it will look, but you are not crazy for thinking to yourself that it is worth it. It is not crazy because it really will be worth it."

When I don't hear this from others, I find that I have one place to go... and that's to the Lord. But I disobeyed, and I begin to wonder if it is appropriate for me to declare His promises to myself. Do those promises apply to me when I am in this situation that I caused? Would it be right of me to do that? Well, that's what mercy is for, maybe? At least, I suppose it is. It's for those times when you ask for the goodness of the Lord and you don't deserve it, but His word makes clear that He lavishes it upon us anyways. This is a hard road to walk... made even harder when it seems desolate and void of any help. Without words of encouragement, it is hard to press on.

But, all I can do now is to keep going. To seek the forgiveness of the Lord and His comforting arms as my heart aches through this time ahead of me. Forgive me, Jesus. Please hold me. Please carry me through the lonely nights, strengthen me through the saddened days, help me to see that You're all I need. Show me how to grieve appropriately and how to cling to the joy You bring. I know it will fill me, but when my soul is hurting, may I feel Your Holy Spirit as a healing salve. For I have done injury to myself and am in need of Your healing.

Chapter 9: If I knew then, what I know now... I wouldn't change a thing...

April 29th, 2009 "... I will close doors that need not be opened. I will guide you in the way that benefits you, in the way that is needed. You may not understand where you are going, but I'm going to need you to trust in my Love for you and follow my instructions. I will not lead you astray. I trust in you and because of that, you will learn to trust in Me. I am fully capable and yearning to help you, darling child. I love what has begun in you, and I can't wait to see it come to pass in you. You will be delighted, tried and satisfied in my plans and desires in your life. You are worth it all."

I thought I knew what that word to me meant almost two years ago. I came across it just a few nights ago and realized that it means something totally different to me now. Who knew that I'd need that word so much right now?

I have been heavily contemplating how much I have changed in the last two years and where the Lord has brought me. I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed the change (nor do they need to), but upon taking a personal inventory, I have found that a lot has been going on and has changed. Some areas have been strengthened, some have been weakened and some have seen some serious fire... but through it all, this I know: God surely loves me, and I love Him.

Despite my squalls and protests, I have chosen to trust Him. And let me just say, He asks hard things of me! To others they may not seem like it, but nevertheless, they are things that challenge me, things that I don't want to give up, things that push my limits but, in the end, these are things that essentially make me grow. He asks for my trust. He asks for my best. He asks for my obedience. He asks for my surrender. At times my resolve falters and I doubt, but the amazing thing is that He talks me through it all. One of the things I love about Him! I've not had many resounding words from Him, but I have had a few. At times it comes in the form of the journal entry above or a timely word from a friend or unexplainable presence in worship and sometimes it's an undeniable whisper to the heart. How precious He is to me.

The more I walk with Him, the more I realize that I have grown out of that stage of wondering if I truly believe in God. It's no longer a matter of if I know God... it's a matter of how I know God. I know Him to be faithful to me. I know Him to lead me in the way that I should go... even if it hurts... a lot... and that in the end, He is right. I've seen how He's saved me from my mistakes that I made and from ones I didn't make because I listened to Him.

And because I know Him to be true, I know that what He is asking of me now will be worth the sacrifice. I know that I can trust Him. I know that He will guide me in the way that benefits me. Even though a large part of me does not understand why He's asking this of me, I will trust that He loves me. He has not lead me astray, nor will He. He trusts in me and I have learned to trust in Him. I have been delighted... very delighted... tried... more than I ever wanted to be... and satisfied in the plans He has for me. And as for the plans that I do not know of yet, I know I will be delighted, tried and satisfied with those just the same. All because He is worth it all. He is worth the risk of jumping out in faith because there is no way to describe the feeling of being caught by Him when you do.

Chapter 8: An excerpt from my book

I suddenly find that I'm standing on a bleak grassy plain. A storm is blowing in. The bitter wind whips around me as I look up to see the looming clouds approaching in the distance. I glance to the left seeing my fortress, and my heart longs to run to it. To cling to it as I have done before, but the thing is, there are no doors for me to enter... just tall, impenetrable walls and wistful hopes that I will be allowed in somehow, some way. But I know when the tempest arrives, I will be exposed to the elements, on my own, still clinging to the side of this shelter as if it has something to offer. A situation obviously not ideal, but enticing whispers call me to its side, so I run to it with quixotic hopes that this is right. I'll be alright because if I cling to it enough, it will become my shelter and I will eventually be allowed to enter.

A chilled raindrop stings my cheek and brings me out of my introversion. I look up to see the ominous clouds now overhead. Realization hits me; my shelter is going to be taken away from me. The storm is coming to take it away. No! It is my shelter! I've invested so much into this shelter. It cannot be taken away! "God!" my heart cries, "Why must this happen?" Doesn't He know how much this will hurt if the storm wins in driving my shelter away from me?! He does... He knows how much this will hurt. He doesn't want that for me. I hear His voice quietly beckoning me to come to His shelter where I should have stayed. I slowly let loose my grip as I turn to find the source of the familiar small voice. Suddenly, menacing bolts of jagged lightning flash above me as thunder snarls in response; a fierce reminder of the storm's purpose. The shelter...it's going to be gone soon. I throw myself against its side again, still finding no purchase. I can't let go. I'm not ready for it.

I wait for His admonishment, but my ears are met with silence. Nothing is said. Slowly seeping through my dread-filled anxiety, I feel His longing for me. No words reach my ears, but every fiber of my being can feel Him reaching for me to rescue me from my predicament. I've gotten myself in this place, yet He still reaches for me regardless of my actions and where they have led me. I know that if I just turn around to Him, I will find my haven where I am safest. But in my selfishness, I want to cling to that which isn't mine. I am faced with a choice: I either wait for the storm to separate me from this shelter, leaving me alone on the barren land to weather the storm or I can run. I can run to my True Shelter, but that requires me to let go. The bare spattering of taunting raindrops rapidly multiplies, as if to rush my decision by chilling me to the bone. I just don't know if I can let go.

Fix-it Friday #44

Here's my entry for the IHeartFaces blog contest of Fix-it Fridays!

Chapter 7: Courage & Faith

With school starting up in two days, I've been doing a lot of thinking. To be honest, I'm freaked out, scared, wanting to back out and just not go there.

If you don't try, you can't fail, right?

...except there is a whole different type of failure that one does experience in this case.

It's the fact that if I don't step up and face the small stuff, then I will ultimately fail at the wonderful calling the Lord has placed on my life. I know for a fact that He has placed me where I am at today so that I could walk in the dream He has revealed to me. It's an insanely wonderful dream, I might add. Have I told you about it? If not, let me know.

But why all the hesitation? If I am so sure of this calling, I should be emboldened to pursue it no matter the cost, right?

That's a scary thing though.

I've found that I often recall bad experiences and this paralyzes me in my endeavors.

My prior attempts at college failed, in my opinion, and while I thoroughly enjoyed my time at CFNI, it was one of the hardest times in my life. I struggled so much that year... trying to make ends meet, trying to make it all work in my own power. I recognized that I could not do this on my own, and perhaps it's gone too far to the other end of the spectrum now. I know that I cannot do this in my own strength, and so I'm scared that any thing that I might have the slightest passion to pursue would be of my own doing and I will fall on my face yet again and bear more disappointment and hurt. How frustrating this whole cycle is, and I'm sure satan is loving it. Probably doesn't even need to do much coaxing of doubt because my mind is doing more than enough of it.

But of this I do know: My Jesus loves me which means He has a vested interest in my well-being, in my character building, in my journey to be more like Him. While He may ask me to do some very hard things that will break down my comfort zones, He will be there every step of the way. When my family has encouraged me all that they can, when my friends have reassured me all that they can, He is the only One who can continually pour His strength, courage, wisdom, guidance, love... actually it's really summed up in saying that He is the only One who can continually pour Himself into me.

So no matter what my past, my failings, my achievements, my circumstances or my feelings are, I will walk forward with Him. Dizzy, nervous and sick to my stomach, I may be, but I will be sure to take each step because I trust Him and what He has told me of the plans that He has for me. It's a good plan and not an evil one. He's given me a hope and a future. I know that when I freak out on the path and I call to Him, He hears me. I know when things are going great and I call to Him, He hears me. I know that when I seek Him with all my heart, I most assuredly find Him.

Consequently, though my knees are shaking and my pulse is quickening, I can smile and face these new obstacles just because I know He is right here with me... probably laughing at my silly over-thinking.

Chapter 6: The Dangers of "Knowing"

It's ironic how many times my sister can tell me something over and over again, yet it seems to fall on deaf ears.

"It's not all about you, Vickie."

"So there I was, just offended and stuff..."

"It's not all about you, Vickie."

"But I was totally disgusted and couldn't believe..."

"It's not all about you, Vickie."

Okay, so I have learned that it's not all about me, but there are other things that people tell me that I just don't seem to hear the first 500 hundred times they tell me.

I am like that with the Lord as well.

"Don't get that puppy, Vickie."

"Awwww! Look at the soft fur and cute lil' face!"

"Don't get that puppy, Vickie."

"Mom, Dad, meet my new puppy."

"..."

Those of my closest friends know that story...

And even though I insist on going my own way, the Lord still does His thing and proves His faithfulness to me each time I mess up regardless of what I do. He is ever faithful. He cares for me. So much so that He warns me of things, which I stupidly do not take heed to and when I run into heartache, I see His love-filled warnings and cringe at yet another wrong turn made by yours truly.

Chapter 5: To Lay It Down Or Not To Lay It Down... That Is The Question

Sometimes I wonder when I cling to the Lord at times, if I do it just to get away from my present trials and troubles? At times I just don't want to deal with an issue or possibly get hurt by it, so it seems to make sense to run to the Lord with that, laying it down at the cross so I don't have to handle the situation...

Oh, but how hard it is to do that and follow through with it!

Because sometimes what's in front of me seems to be too good to be true, and then I give in to thinking that I'll be hurt and disappointed if it doesn't turn out like I want it to turn out.

So I struggle with my feeble attempts to cling on to it just because it seems so good.

But I also struggle to get away from it just in case it will backfire.

How horrible is that? How normal is that? How human is that?

Fear is not of the Lord, I know, but it is easier to cower in fear of disappointment than to bravely walk forward believing that my God will protect me.

I'd like to say that I don't doubt God's ability to protect me, but that wouldn't be entirely true. That is a statement that I want to say with my whole being... not just my mouth... because if I truly did NOT doubt it, wouldn't I be walking forward rather than cowering in the corner attempting to protect myself?

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me;
because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

The power in His Word is awesome, reassuring and life-giving. I don't always grasp everything to be had in Scripture, but I love it when He reveals bits of it to me like this particular Scripture that has so much to it that it takes a while to "chew" through it all bringing satisfaction and strength with every "bite."

He makes known to me the path of life. Not the entire path, but He lets me know what I need to know at this given moment. And that is what I need to recognize.

The fear of future disappointment often makes me miss out on so many current opportunities... If only I would rest and rely on the Lord to take care of the future and just be content with my present, it seems that this whole fear thing would be solved.

Help me Lord because things are so much easier said than done.