Chapter 10: Sometimes it's all you can do to just keep walking

My grace is all
that you need
My strength is made
when you're weak

It's gonna be okay
...Just you wait
It's gonna be okay
...It's gonna be okay

Those who die in the Lord
are blessed
From their labors
they will rest
Sown in tears
and righteousness
Til they hit the ground
love and hope in the Lord

What a battle this has turned out to be! Could it have been avoided? Well, looking back on one specific instruction I had gotten from my Godfather a long time ago, it probably would have been had I heeded his words. Things would have been vastly different... and yet I find that some selfish part of me would have still chosen this path if I had known the outcomes of both.

Why? Why do I yearn to be in a place like this? Emotional wreck that I am. I find that I value the times that I am brought to my knees. I see the Lord in a whole different light in these times. Sometimes, I seek the Lord for comfort. At other times, I sit and worry. I worry that I'm alone in this battle and that no one cares. Would it be right that no one should care? Especially if I've brought this upon myself? I mean, I chose a path and decided to pursue something when I was advised not to. I was curious where it would go and didn't want to let go of it. If anyone else would have seen this scenario, I doubt they would have thought it wrong of me to continue rather than stop as my Godfather had told me.

But regardless of my actions then, it is what it is and now I must walk out the consequences... even if that means it's a toll on my emotions but how do I do it in a way that still honors the Lord and doesn't completely ruin me to my world around me? Things are changing and I don't like it, but I'm not opposed to it. It needs to happen. I tell myself that it's going to be okay. But after a while, I don't want to be the one telling myself that. I want confirmation, validation, and not from my own voice. Oh how great it would be to be embraced and told, "Yes, it is going to be okay. You are strong. You will get through this like a woman of God. Yes, it's okay to cry. It is okay to be sad. You will get over this. Keep going! Keep fighting. It is worth it. We may not know how it will look, but you are not crazy for thinking to yourself that it is worth it. It is not crazy because it really will be worth it."

When I don't hear this from others, I find that I have one place to go... and that's to the Lord. But I disobeyed, and I begin to wonder if it is appropriate for me to declare His promises to myself. Do those promises apply to me when I am in this situation that I caused? Would it be right of me to do that? Well, that's what mercy is for, maybe? At least, I suppose it is. It's for those times when you ask for the goodness of the Lord and you don't deserve it, but His word makes clear that He lavishes it upon us anyways. This is a hard road to walk... made even harder when it seems desolate and void of any help. Without words of encouragement, it is hard to press on.

But, all I can do now is to keep going. To seek the forgiveness of the Lord and His comforting arms as my heart aches through this time ahead of me. Forgive me, Jesus. Please hold me. Please carry me through the lonely nights, strengthen me through the saddened days, help me to see that You're all I need. Show me how to grieve appropriately and how to cling to the joy You bring. I know it will fill me, but when my soul is hurting, may I feel Your Holy Spirit as a healing salve. For I have done injury to myself and am in need of Your healing.

Chapter 9: If I knew then, what I know now... I wouldn't change a thing...

April 29th, 2009 "... I will close doors that need not be opened. I will guide you in the way that benefits you, in the way that is needed. You may not understand where you are going, but I'm going to need you to trust in my Love for you and follow my instructions. I will not lead you astray. I trust in you and because of that, you will learn to trust in Me. I am fully capable and yearning to help you, darling child. I love what has begun in you, and I can't wait to see it come to pass in you. You will be delighted, tried and satisfied in my plans and desires in your life. You are worth it all."

I thought I knew what that word to me meant almost two years ago. I came across it just a few nights ago and realized that it means something totally different to me now. Who knew that I'd need that word so much right now?

I have been heavily contemplating how much I have changed in the last two years and where the Lord has brought me. I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed the change (nor do they need to), but upon taking a personal inventory, I have found that a lot has been going on and has changed. Some areas have been strengthened, some have been weakened and some have seen some serious fire... but through it all, this I know: God surely loves me, and I love Him.

Despite my squalls and protests, I have chosen to trust Him. And let me just say, He asks hard things of me! To others they may not seem like it, but nevertheless, they are things that challenge me, things that I don't want to give up, things that push my limits but, in the end, these are things that essentially make me grow. He asks for my trust. He asks for my best. He asks for my obedience. He asks for my surrender. At times my resolve falters and I doubt, but the amazing thing is that He talks me through it all. One of the things I love about Him! I've not had many resounding words from Him, but I have had a few. At times it comes in the form of the journal entry above or a timely word from a friend or unexplainable presence in worship and sometimes it's an undeniable whisper to the heart. How precious He is to me.

The more I walk with Him, the more I realize that I have grown out of that stage of wondering if I truly believe in God. It's no longer a matter of if I know God... it's a matter of how I know God. I know Him to be faithful to me. I know Him to lead me in the way that I should go... even if it hurts... a lot... and that in the end, He is right. I've seen how He's saved me from my mistakes that I made and from ones I didn't make because I listened to Him.

And because I know Him to be true, I know that what He is asking of me now will be worth the sacrifice. I know that I can trust Him. I know that He will guide me in the way that benefits me. Even though a large part of me does not understand why He's asking this of me, I will trust that He loves me. He has not lead me astray, nor will He. He trusts in me and I have learned to trust in Him. I have been delighted... very delighted... tried... more than I ever wanted to be... and satisfied in the plans He has for me. And as for the plans that I do not know of yet, I know I will be delighted, tried and satisfied with those just the same. All because He is worth it all. He is worth the risk of jumping out in faith because there is no way to describe the feeling of being caught by Him when you do.