Chapter 3: Scrambled Ramblings

Sometimes I wonder what the big picture will be...

But then again, I wonder if I really want to see it.

Wouldn't that take the fun out of 'discovering' the picture?

But, right now, it's hard to see the fun through my impatience.

And if I were to see the big picture, would I be overwhelmed at the size of it... it would be bigger than what I would imagine. Too big perhaps? Inconceivable?

Yet at times like this, I find that I desperately want to see it all so that I know where to go and where I can avoid mess-ups, so I can be happy that I know it all.

Perfection and control...

That must be it.

Lord, how can I surrender those to you?

If I was not so dead-set on perfecting my walk and controlling my life so that I won't make mistakes, then I might find that I actually enjoy figuring out the big picture along the way with You.

It's hard to even fathom giving up control.

It takes faith and sometimes I wonder if I have enough.

Mustard seed, I know.

It's scary to walk out life like this because it requires faith. I associate it with having no control and being okay with that. Which I'm not at the moment, to be perfectly honest.

Walking by faith and not by sight...

No wonder why it's not by sight. If it were by sight, then I could see the way and I could control it. But, I'm not my Lord, and I cannot see the way.

So here I am taking one step at a time into what seems to be a fog. Things will clear up and things will disappear at times, but no matter what, Jesus is faithful to be beside me whether I can see Him clearly or not.

He is the only Guide I need.

I know about this Truth and am learning how true it is and will continue to learn how true it is in an even more real way.

Chapter 2: A Surprise Enrapturement Of Elusive Answers

*** Existence would be intolerable if we were never to dream. *** - Anatole France

I wanted a dream, something to strive for and accomplish, but I was not ready to settle for just any dream. I wanted something from God. I came to Fort Worth not knowing what I wanted to do anymore. I wanted to act on something, but, frustratingly enough, I did not know where to go. So instead of blindly running down a potential pathway, I plopped myself down in the middle of my junction of possibilities and had an internal pity party. I sure did have a great ol' time at my boo-hoo-hootenanny. And then... A new group from my church was formed, so I decided to join it. It was a group for all who were in their 20's and 30's. On our second meeting, each and every group member shared about his or her own personal dreams and aspirations. Some had such certainty, it made me sick with jealously... well, not quite... but I was a bit sad that I did not have the same clarity. Others had an idea of what they wanted to do with their lives while some remained clueless (myself included). Suddenly, it hit me! As I was listening to a couple talk about their dream of being "relief missionaries," the Lord began to unravel the elusive answers I had so longed for... (Granted, I get quite theatrical in my explanations of things, but this is as close as I can remember the dialogue that went on in my head. Bold are my thoughts and italics are the Lord's responses. At first, I was not sure if this whole dream/conversation/thought process/daydream was of the Lord, but as I am writing it now and just revisiting it, I know that only He could have given me such an awesome hope like this.) The run-down kind of went down like this...

Relief missions! Oh, I want to do that! Not exactly a full-time missionary, but still able to do mission work. I would love that! But what do I really want to do besides that? ...Become a youth pastor's wife? Hmmm... Yeah, sure... Sounds good. Being a youth pastor's "wife" would obviously entail getting married and having children which is a major desire of my heart. Ministering to youth and going on missions trips would also be a part of that job. And since I would be his wife, I would be in a better position to use my talents of helping rather than leading.

But, there's something missing. Why does that dream feel like it is lacking something?

What about the old dream that's been reappearing?

My old dreams... were they still mine? The dreams of becoming a vet? I thought I had given that possibility up. It was no longer mine. I surrendered it to the Lord and He had given me a heart for ministry, so that is not possible. That cannot be the missing part.

But if you become a vet, you would have the flexibility and resources to do mission work when the Lord prompts you...

Oh! That would be awesomeness! ... But what about a family? I would hate to have a career and sacrifice having a family.

But if your husband was a vet...

... *moment of shock* ...

... *sinking in*...

... *hopes definitely starting to burst forth like little flickers of flame*...

At this point, the dialogue stopped and I began to see something as understanding dawned on me. It's hard to explain, but I saw it and just knew what it was and who was there.

A tan-colored, cozy, country home stood the left of my view as my attention swept to the right resting upon a large barn-like structure similar in color to the house. It was a large animal clinic. Although, my focus did not pan in much since I was still far enough away to see both the home and clinic, I somehow knew that my husband was working as a vet in the clinic and I was heading towards it with a child on my left side and a small toddler clutching my right hand. I was a vet as well, but was able to take time off to have our children as my husband kept the business running. It was our home and our clinic where we were able to raise our kids, do what we loved and go to the mission field when the Lord prompted.

Too good to be true. Too good to be true. Too good to be true. Could that really happen?

Somewhere deep, down inside me, I yearned for that to be true, but fear gripped me. I almost wanted to reject it... afraid my hopes would be dashed because it would never come to pass. The picture seared into my memory though. I was glad for that. It was such a beautiful picture. I did not want to forget it even if it would not become my reality.

Sorry for this analogy but it sort of applies: It was much like Bella being so enamored by Edward that she didn't want to forget his face in New Moon. Even at the chance that he was telling her the truth about not loving her, and as much as that hurt because she could not have him, she still wanted to cling to the memory of him. She didn't want to lose it.

I was so afraid that it was too good to be true. What if that wasn't what the Lord wanted me to do? ... Oh! But it was such a beautiful life to live! Just look at it!! It was like a yellow and orange flower... a cross between a rose and a carnation.

Let me enlighten you on a few things right quick though- yellow, orange, and carnations are not among my favorite things... far from them.

So at first glance, the flower held no interest. Yet as I started to see it and realize that it was mine, I began to want it more intensely than I had planned. Sure others might look at it and think of it as pretty and continue to walk by. Perhaps some might even think of it as ugly and want nothing to do with it. But it was mine... it was beautifully and uniquely mine.

I loved it. I wanted it. I yearned for it.

It was the dream that I had been waiting for...

Never did I think that the pieces would have fit so perfectly...