With school starting up in two days, I've been doing a lot of thinking. To be honest, I'm freaked out, scared, wanting to back out and just not go there.
If you don't try, you can't fail, right?
...except there is a whole different type of failure that one does experience in this case.
It's the fact that if I don't step up and face the small stuff, then I will ultimately fail at the wonderful calling the Lord has placed on my life. I know for a fact that He has placed me where I am at today so that I could walk in the dream He has revealed to me. It's an insanely wonderful dream, I might add. Have I told you about it? If not, let me know.
But why all the hesitation? If I am so sure of this calling, I should be emboldened to pursue it no matter the cost, right?
That's a scary thing though.
I've found that I often recall bad experiences and this paralyzes me in my endeavors.
My prior attempts at college failed, in my opinion, and while I thoroughly enjoyed my time at CFNI, it was one of the hardest times in my life. I struggled so much that year... trying to make ends meet, trying to make it all work in my own power. I recognized that I could not do this on my own, and perhaps it's gone too far to the other end of the spectrum now. I know that I cannot do this in my own strength, and so I'm scared that any thing that I might have the slightest passion to pursue would be of my own doing and I will fall on my face yet again and bear more disappointment and hurt. How frustrating this whole cycle is, and I'm sure satan is loving it. Probably doesn't even need to do much coaxing of doubt because my mind is doing more than enough of it.
But of this I do know: My Jesus loves me which means He has a vested interest in my well-being, in my character building, in my journey to be more like Him. While He may ask me to do some very hard things that will break down my comfort zones, He will be there every step of the way. When my family has encouraged me all that they can, when my friends have reassured me all that they can, He is the only One who can continually pour His strength, courage, wisdom, guidance, love... actually it's really summed up in saying that He is the only One who can continually pour Himself into me.
So no matter what my past, my failings, my achievements, my circumstances or my feelings are, I will walk forward with Him. Dizzy, nervous and sick to my stomach, I may be, but I will be sure to take each step because I trust Him and what He has told me of the plans that He has for me. It's a good plan and not an evil one. He's given me a hope and a future. I know that when I freak out on the path and I call to Him, He hears me. I know when things are going great and I call to Him, He hears me. I know that when I seek Him with all my heart, I most assuredly find Him.
Consequently, though my knees are shaking and my pulse is quickening, I can smile and face these new obstacles just because I know He is right here with me... probably laughing at my silly over-thinking.
If you don't try, you can't fail, right?
...except there is a whole different type of failure that one does experience in this case.
It's the fact that if I don't step up and face the small stuff, then I will ultimately fail at the wonderful calling the Lord has placed on my life. I know for a fact that He has placed me where I am at today so that I could walk in the dream He has revealed to me. It's an insanely wonderful dream, I might add. Have I told you about it? If not, let me know.
But why all the hesitation? If I am so sure of this calling, I should be emboldened to pursue it no matter the cost, right?
That's a scary thing though.
I've found that I often recall bad experiences and this paralyzes me in my endeavors.
My prior attempts at college failed, in my opinion, and while I thoroughly enjoyed my time at CFNI, it was one of the hardest times in my life. I struggled so much that year... trying to make ends meet, trying to make it all work in my own power. I recognized that I could not do this on my own, and perhaps it's gone too far to the other end of the spectrum now. I know that I cannot do this in my own strength, and so I'm scared that any thing that I might have the slightest passion to pursue would be of my own doing and I will fall on my face yet again and bear more disappointment and hurt. How frustrating this whole cycle is, and I'm sure satan is loving it. Probably doesn't even need to do much coaxing of doubt because my mind is doing more than enough of it.
But of this I do know: My Jesus loves me which means He has a vested interest in my well-being, in my character building, in my journey to be more like Him. While He may ask me to do some very hard things that will break down my comfort zones, He will be there every step of the way. When my family has encouraged me all that they can, when my friends have reassured me all that they can, He is the only One who can continually pour His strength, courage, wisdom, guidance, love... actually it's really summed up in saying that He is the only One who can continually pour Himself into me.
So no matter what my past, my failings, my achievements, my circumstances or my feelings are, I will walk forward with Him. Dizzy, nervous and sick to my stomach, I may be, but I will be sure to take each step because I trust Him and what He has told me of the plans that He has for me. It's a good plan and not an evil one. He's given me a hope and a future. I know that when I freak out on the path and I call to Him, He hears me. I know when things are going great and I call to Him, He hears me. I know that when I seek Him with all my heart, I most assuredly find Him.
Consequently, though my knees are shaking and my pulse is quickening, I can smile and face these new obstacles just because I know He is right here with me... probably laughing at my silly over-thinking.
