Chapter 8: An excerpt from my book

I suddenly find that I'm standing on a bleak grassy plain. A storm is blowing in. The bitter wind whips around me as I look up to see the looming clouds approaching in the distance. I glance to the left seeing my fortress, and my heart longs to run to it. To cling to it as I have done before, but the thing is, there are no doors for me to enter... just tall, impenetrable walls and wistful hopes that I will be allowed in somehow, some way. But I know when the tempest arrives, I will be exposed to the elements, on my own, still clinging to the side of this shelter as if it has something to offer. A situation obviously not ideal, but enticing whispers call me to its side, so I run to it with quixotic hopes that this is right. I'll be alright because if I cling to it enough, it will become my shelter and I will eventually be allowed to enter.

A chilled raindrop stings my cheek and brings me out of my introversion. I look up to see the ominous clouds now overhead. Realization hits me; my shelter is going to be taken away from me. The storm is coming to take it away. No! It is my shelter! I've invested so much into this shelter. It cannot be taken away! "God!" my heart cries, "Why must this happen?" Doesn't He know how much this will hurt if the storm wins in driving my shelter away from me?! He does... He knows how much this will hurt. He doesn't want that for me. I hear His voice quietly beckoning me to come to His shelter where I should have stayed. I slowly let loose my grip as I turn to find the source of the familiar small voice. Suddenly, menacing bolts of jagged lightning flash above me as thunder snarls in response; a fierce reminder of the storm's purpose. The shelter...it's going to be gone soon. I throw myself against its side again, still finding no purchase. I can't let go. I'm not ready for it.

I wait for His admonishment, but my ears are met with silence. Nothing is said. Slowly seeping through my dread-filled anxiety, I feel His longing for me. No words reach my ears, but every fiber of my being can feel Him reaching for me to rescue me from my predicament. I've gotten myself in this place, yet He still reaches for me regardless of my actions and where they have led me. I know that if I just turn around to Him, I will find my haven where I am safest. But in my selfishness, I want to cling to that which isn't mine. I am faced with a choice: I either wait for the storm to separate me from this shelter, leaving me alone on the barren land to weather the storm or I can run. I can run to my True Shelter, but that requires me to let go. The bare spattering of taunting raindrops rapidly multiplies, as if to rush my decision by chilling me to the bone. I just don't know if I can let go.

Fix-it Friday #44

Here's my entry for the IHeartFaces blog contest of Fix-it Fridays!

Chapter 7: Courage & Faith

With school starting up in two days, I've been doing a lot of thinking. To be honest, I'm freaked out, scared, wanting to back out and just not go there.

If you don't try, you can't fail, right?

...except there is a whole different type of failure that one does experience in this case.

It's the fact that if I don't step up and face the small stuff, then I will ultimately fail at the wonderful calling the Lord has placed on my life. I know for a fact that He has placed me where I am at today so that I could walk in the dream He has revealed to me. It's an insanely wonderful dream, I might add. Have I told you about it? If not, let me know.

But why all the hesitation? If I am so sure of this calling, I should be emboldened to pursue it no matter the cost, right?

That's a scary thing though.

I've found that I often recall bad experiences and this paralyzes me in my endeavors.

My prior attempts at college failed, in my opinion, and while I thoroughly enjoyed my time at CFNI, it was one of the hardest times in my life. I struggled so much that year... trying to make ends meet, trying to make it all work in my own power. I recognized that I could not do this on my own, and perhaps it's gone too far to the other end of the spectrum now. I know that I cannot do this in my own strength, and so I'm scared that any thing that I might have the slightest passion to pursue would be of my own doing and I will fall on my face yet again and bear more disappointment and hurt. How frustrating this whole cycle is, and I'm sure satan is loving it. Probably doesn't even need to do much coaxing of doubt because my mind is doing more than enough of it.

But of this I do know: My Jesus loves me which means He has a vested interest in my well-being, in my character building, in my journey to be more like Him. While He may ask me to do some very hard things that will break down my comfort zones, He will be there every step of the way. When my family has encouraged me all that they can, when my friends have reassured me all that they can, He is the only One who can continually pour His strength, courage, wisdom, guidance, love... actually it's really summed up in saying that He is the only One who can continually pour Himself into me.

So no matter what my past, my failings, my achievements, my circumstances or my feelings are, I will walk forward with Him. Dizzy, nervous and sick to my stomach, I may be, but I will be sure to take each step because I trust Him and what He has told me of the plans that He has for me. It's a good plan and not an evil one. He's given me a hope and a future. I know that when I freak out on the path and I call to Him, He hears me. I know when things are going great and I call to Him, He hears me. I know that when I seek Him with all my heart, I most assuredly find Him.

Consequently, though my knees are shaking and my pulse is quickening, I can smile and face these new obstacles just because I know He is right here with me... probably laughing at my silly over-thinking.