This is for all the people who love and care about me... and perhaps this is for me, too. Just to get the words, ideas, and thoughts out of my head and formulated into comprehensive sentences...
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I suppose most people wouldn’t say that where I am is a dead end, but with my personality, if I don't have a goal and I'm not on a track to get to that goal, I feel like I'm wasting time. So when I don't have a specific goal, I get frustrated.
If someone had asked me a couple months ago if I would like to enroll in college courses-- you know, just the basic stuff... to get them out of the way-- I would have vehemently refused... and often did so.
However, something happened back in March that changed my view of returning to school...
I found that when one finally finds a vision and purpose for going to school, the desire to go changes drastically.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The end of my junior year was a definitive moment in my life. Prior to those last few weeks, I had always dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. I still have a picture I drew in Kindergarten portraying just that. However, I felt the Lord asking me to surrender that and go into the ministry. It came at a time when I was really questioning why I wanted to pursue vet med. Was I just following that plan because I knew how to navigate my life if I chose that path or was that what my heart truly desired? I had felt a stirring in my heart for the ministry, but it still scared me to give up my dream that I had held on to for 17 years. I prayed that He would change my heart, and He did. Thus began my pursuit of different careers in church ministry.
I attempted to go to a bible college which lasted for a semester due to a lack of finances. Home became my next destination where I served in my first home church and tried to save up some much needed money for college.
The opportunities varied in my church so I was able to assist in the nursery, youth group, kids' church, and eventually lead a group of Junior High youth. All good stuff worth the time and effort put into them, but as time went on, I became so focused on doing my duties at church and keeping up with a tight schedule, that I began to care less and less about myself and my relationship with God at home. I started to get really stressed, but, rarely if ever, did I ever tell anyone except with those whom I had lived... and only when I broke down because I had let myself become so overwhelmed. I could go into detail, but that would warrant another blog all by itself. Basically, I put aside quality time with God to do other tasks in my life. Most of those tasks would be what people call "good" tasks, but with me giving out all my resources and never refilling them on my own with God, my tank ran out too fast and I found myself running on fumes a lot.
So by the end of 2008, I was exhausted - spiritually, emotionally, physically. I was in need of a severe change. I had even performed a song called "Resurrection" at my church at the beginning of 2009 (after my decision to move had been made). It fit my life so perfectly which is probably why I was able to sing it the way I did because it truly became my song at that time in my life.
In this condition, I arrived at my sister's house in February this year.
Looking back internally, I was so broken and could not have cared less what the next step was. I had set up hopes of returning to Christ for the Nations Institute time and time again, only see those hopes dashed with every passing semester not attended yet again because of my lack of financial control. A new opportunity arose to enroll in a program called "Ignite" at Life Pacific College in California which became my new goal. It had missionary opportunities that I was eager to engage in, and with full intentions to apply when I moved to Fort Worth, I was so blindsided by my own emotional fatigue that I had held at bay for the last year that I did not even try to apply.
Momentarily arrested by this lassitude, I began to question my desires and passions for life and was surprised to find that I didn't want to go anywhere... I felt like I was at a dead end. Part of me cared, part of me did not... I wanted God's direction for my life, but I felt so confused. In the midst of job hunting, I came across some opportunities to work with animals which slowly evoked my faded desires to life causing more confusion. Like the glimpse of a dream I could have had that dangled just out of reach in front of me! I wanted my old dreams back and to be able to pursue it, but I had thought I had given that up in place of the ministry. There's no doubt that my heart is drawn to the ministry, but why was this coming back again? It seemed to taunt me. I wasn't sure of the next step - whether to step towards it or away from it or in alignment with it - so even though I probably had a million pathways to choose from, I still seemed to be at a dead end because I could not bring myself to step towards one of them without any direction. I wanted both of them but had no clue how they would ever coincide...
****************************************************************
I suppose most people wouldn’t say that where I am is a dead end, but with my personality, if I don't have a goal and I'm not on a track to get to that goal, I feel like I'm wasting time. So when I don't have a specific goal, I get frustrated.
If someone had asked me a couple months ago if I would like to enroll in college courses-- you know, just the basic stuff... to get them out of the way-- I would have vehemently refused... and often did so.
However, something happened back in March that changed my view of returning to school...
I found that when one finally finds a vision and purpose for going to school, the desire to go changes drastically.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The end of my junior year was a definitive moment in my life. Prior to those last few weeks, I had always dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. I still have a picture I drew in Kindergarten portraying just that. However, I felt the Lord asking me to surrender that and go into the ministry. It came at a time when I was really questioning why I wanted to pursue vet med. Was I just following that plan because I knew how to navigate my life if I chose that path or was that what my heart truly desired? I had felt a stirring in my heart for the ministry, but it still scared me to give up my dream that I had held on to for 17 years. I prayed that He would change my heart, and He did. Thus began my pursuit of different careers in church ministry.
I attempted to go to a bible college which lasted for a semester due to a lack of finances. Home became my next destination where I served in my first home church and tried to save up some much needed money for college.
The opportunities varied in my church so I was able to assist in the nursery, youth group, kids' church, and eventually lead a group of Junior High youth. All good stuff worth the time and effort put into them, but as time went on, I became so focused on doing my duties at church and keeping up with a tight schedule, that I began to care less and less about myself and my relationship with God at home. I started to get really stressed, but, rarely if ever, did I ever tell anyone except with those whom I had lived... and only when I broke down because I had let myself become so overwhelmed. I could go into detail, but that would warrant another blog all by itself. Basically, I put aside quality time with God to do other tasks in my life. Most of those tasks would be what people call "good" tasks, but with me giving out all my resources and never refilling them on my own with God, my tank ran out too fast and I found myself running on fumes a lot.
So by the end of 2008, I was exhausted - spiritually, emotionally, physically. I was in need of a severe change. I had even performed a song called "Resurrection" at my church at the beginning of 2009 (after my decision to move had been made). It fit my life so perfectly which is probably why I was able to sing it the way I did because it truly became my song at that time in my life.
In this condition, I arrived at my sister's house in February this year.
Looking back internally, I was so broken and could not have cared less what the next step was. I had set up hopes of returning to Christ for the Nations Institute time and time again, only see those hopes dashed with every passing semester not attended yet again because of my lack of financial control. A new opportunity arose to enroll in a program called "Ignite" at Life Pacific College in California which became my new goal. It had missionary opportunities that I was eager to engage in, and with full intentions to apply when I moved to Fort Worth, I was so blindsided by my own emotional fatigue that I had held at bay for the last year that I did not even try to apply.
Momentarily arrested by this lassitude, I began to question my desires and passions for life and was surprised to find that I didn't want to go anywhere... I felt like I was at a dead end. Part of me cared, part of me did not... I wanted God's direction for my life, but I felt so confused. In the midst of job hunting, I came across some opportunities to work with animals which slowly evoked my faded desires to life causing more confusion. Like the glimpse of a dream I could have had that dangled just out of reach in front of me! I wanted my old dreams back and to be able to pursue it, but I had thought I had given that up in place of the ministry. There's no doubt that my heart is drawn to the ministry, but why was this coming back again? It seemed to taunt me. I wasn't sure of the next step - whether to step towards it or away from it or in alignment with it - so even though I probably had a million pathways to choose from, I still seemed to be at a dead end because I could not bring myself to step towards one of them without any direction. I wanted both of them but had no clue how they would ever coincide...
